3 Months

Yesterday marked 3 months since we lost Maveric.

I am doing much better than I have been, but still feel lost sometimes. I'm supposed to be 22 weeks pregnant and planning a nursery and growing a belly. 

Instead I am home sick today with an awful cold/sorethroat/runnynose. 

I miss you baby and I hope you now how much your daddy and I love you. 

XoXoX

2 months

It has now been two months since we lost Maveric. 

Sometimes I still have these moments where I just honestly cannot believe that we are going through this. I must say that it got worse before it started to get better for me. When we first heard the news there was a part of me that felt like I had known it was too good to be true all along. I just went into my shell and stayed there for weeks. 

Then when I started to try to get back to life, I realized how hard it really was going to be. I have just been so angry at everything and didn't know how to get back to the happy person I used to be.

I am happy to say that although each day is a challenge still, I have started to get back to my old joyful self. I will never forget that I lost my baby, but I am starting to look forward to the month where we can talk about trying again. I didn't ever think I would get here when I was feeling all that fresh pain from losing Maveric ... but I am almost there. 

One of my dearest friends shared a really great quote with me today. He was watching Private Practice last night and shared this: 

A woman said to the other Dr something like “Look at you, your beautiful, a Dr, talented… God’s got to challenge you with something every once in a while.”  Ok – that’s a bad re-quote but I cannot find the exact quote online.  Anyway, the point is people have to get challenged with obstacles in our lives from time to time.  For two reasons, 1) because even though obstacles can be painful, we learn and grow because of them and 2) so we can appreciate all of the good times and things we are blessed by having in our lives.

My dear friend is right. I am getting there. I try to remember each day how grateful for all of the amazing things in my life (especially my husband, family and friends). It just is so much harder to do now than it ever was in the past. 

So here are some pictures to help me remember all of the amazing things I am thankful for in the midst of all this pain.

Thank you all for your support and love in the last 2 months. We truly appreciate your understanding. 

XoXoX

Hope.

Today was a tough day for me. 

So I have been reminding myself of this:

And I realize that although I still hurt, I am very lucky in so many other ways. 

Specifically for the amazing, loving and supportive husband I have by my side. 

XoXoX

Leap of Faith

I am back ladies! 

I left for Arkansas reallly early Monday morning and came back realllly late Thursday night. 

When we arrived in Arkansas on Monday we made our way to the site but were faced with severe tornado warning. The group and I had to stay in a storage closet throughout the event to make sure that we were away from all windows. 

Luckily the tornado broke apart before it made it's way to us. 

Here is a picture of me during the event. I had just climbed forty feet up a tree and then jumped off of a platform! It was certainly an adrenaline high. 

I am very excited to be home with the love of my life and be back with all of you! 

Hope you had a wonderful week!

XoXoX

One Month.

I honestly cannot believe that it has been 1 month since we lost Maveric. 

I am torn between feeling like it has been years and feeling like it's been minutes.

I did a pretty good job of keeping my mind off of things today. I worked hard all day and when I finally came home, I immediately took puppy for a walk. He was sooooo happy :)

Then we ate dinner out on the patio and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine!

I will be sure to post pictures tomorrow as I celebrate Fabulous Friday but right now I am going to snuggle with my hubs and veg out. 

xoXox

Finding the Strength

"God built man to do limitless things, and he gave us the strength we need to do them all. but one thing mother nature didn't take into account: God didn't build us with the strength needed to bury our own child." -Allen P.

Re-Entry Into the World

So. Today I went back to work 

(if you don't count the 1 day I went last week before the clotting and Cytotec)

I feel good that I am back into the groove of things, but at the same time, I feel like it's all so pointless. I don't have Maveric in my belly and so what else matters? I know that this is the grief talking and that things will get better, but I am just feeling so lost still. 

Originally, I wanted to wait till I had lost another 25 pounds to try again, but after thinking more and more about it, and Rob and I talking about it more and more; we decided that we would wait the two cycles and make the decision then. 

I just have these fears that if we wait too long,  and this keeps happening (dear God no) that we will miss out on our take*home baby. I understand this may be totally irrational, but I don't want to wait 6 months. I want to do my very best to lose weight and my very best to be a Mom. 

I am hoping and working towards both.

A-Ok

I had my two week follow up (well 11 days) post D&C and everything finally looks normal. 

It was awful though. I was put into a room waiting for my doctor to come in and all I could hear was pregnant women getting to hear their babies' heartbeats. 

I am happy that there were heartbeats to be heard but I also feel like it was just a slow form of torture. 

But now that I am ok physically, I am ready to truly mourn and move on emotionally. I thank you all for your help while I was recovering.

XoXoX

Naming our Little One

Rob and I have been having a good long talk about what to call our little lost babe. 

During the 6 weeks we had with the baby, Rob and I had started to talk about boy and girl names. I had a feeling that we were having a boy (not sure why - just instinct) and there was one name that we discussed in length. Mostly because Rob thought it would be the 'coolest' name and although it is a nice name, I was not interested in it for my child (at the time). 

We laughed about the name and joked about it and talked about it on several occasions. It was the one name that just keep coming up in discussion. So we have decided to name our first child  .... 

.... drum roll please ....

Maveric. 

I feel so much better now that we have named the baby. No more calling the baby 'it' or 'him' or 'bean' but giving him a REAL name. And when I meet my child in heaven, if I find out I am completely wrong and our child is a girl, she will have the toughest, strongest name possible. 

Daddy and I love you baby Maveric. 

We will miss you and cherish you every day of our life.

Another Update

Unfortunately I have had some more complications.

I went back to work today and did pretty well until near the end of the day. I went to the ladies room and passed some more clots (sorry if this is too much information). 

Called my doctor's office and luckily my Dr. was on call (she's awesome). 

I filled her in on everything that has happened since I last spoke with her on Sunday. I had to see a different doctor on Monday who I was NOT impressed with. 

She told me that she thinks that I am almost done passing everything but that I should take cytotec to get rid of any possible remaining clots. Cytotec helps women to clean out the rest of their uterus but causes painful cramping. 

So now I took the cytotec, a painkiller (finally a good one), and an antibiotic. 

Ready. Set. Go. 

Hopefully this will all be over soon. I am still devastated and not sure when that will change, but at least once the bleeding stops, I won't have to be reminded of this tragedy every time I go to the bathroom. 

Good? News.

So. Just got back from the Doctor's a few hours ago.

Ultrasound looked 'ok' for being 1 week post D&C. 

Doctor said that going back to work should be fine and just to do 'some stuff' this afternoon to see if any more clots will pass. They are hoping it was just the last of any remaining tissue (or pooled blood) that was coming out and I should be fine. 

Dr's Rx was to 'do stuff' this afternoon and hopefully nothing else will come out. 

So I have done 2 loads of laundry, played with puppy (lightly), and done a quick grocery shopping. 

So far so good. 

Seriously?!

It is late on Sunday night and I am tired but I wanted to give an update. 

I have to go back to the Doctor's tomorrow. Not back to work as planned, but back to the Doctor's for an ultrasound. 

I passed some HUGE clots tonight and am experiencing some serious cramps. 

The Dr. on call (who is also the doctor who did my D&C) thinks she may not have gotten all the tissue out of my uterus last week. I will either have to have a shot to pass the rest of the tissue or will have to have a second D&C. 

Tears commence.

I just want this to be over. I miss my baby and I want to start healing. We both need to heal. 

I will be sure to let you know what happens after our appointment tomorrow. I pray that I will get good news and be able to move forward and look towards the future.

XoXo.

Fears.

I am scared.

To think these thoughts.

To give in to these feelings.

To write this post.

The last week has made me think about our future in a totally different way. A little over a week ago we were going to be parents. Our baby was due October 15, 2011 and was going to be present for all of the 2011 Holidays. 

Now all I can do is think about the unknown we will face in these next few months. 

This is my fear: the Unknown.

Will we get pregnant again? Will I lose another baby?

Is there something wrong with me?

I am scared. I know that is part of the healing and recovering so I am trying not to feel guilty about all of these crazy emotions. At the same time, I just can't shake 'em. 

I keep telling myself that God only gives us what we can handle and that I am strong enough to overcome this. 

I will be the mother I am meant to be. I know it's true. In my heart I do. 

I just have to keep reminding my brain. 

Left The House

I left the house today. For the first time since Monday's surgery. 

I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. 

As soon as I walked in I had a flashback of being there last week.

We were pregnant. 

It was the day before my surgery. 

I ran through the store, practically sobbing.

It seemed like I could not get out of there fast enough. 

Luckily, I did get out of there and am back home on the couch with my puppy. Husband came home for a quick break and to give me a big hug {Thank God for him}. 

I know that I will heal. Physically I am almost there. Emotionally I feel like the wound will never heal ... but I know ... it will. 

Won't it?

I found this quote today that I thought I should share. It is exactly how I feel:

"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why."

Better Days.

I get to see my little sister this weekend. 

Ready for some fun and relief from this 'heavy' week. 

Can't wait.

Grrrr.

Feeling worse today than yesterday.

Cramps, bleeding, achey ... oh my.

Rob had to go back to work today. Sad Face.

Luckily for me, this little buddy won't leave my side.

Called and left a message for my doctor to make sure that getting worse before getting better is 'normal'. Hopefully she offers some 'real' medication instead of just some tylenol every 6 hours. Ouch.

Fingers crossed.

Amazing People.

I wanted to write today about some amazing people in our life that have helped us through these awful days. Saying thank you is just not enough. 

Our parents, our friends, our families. 

We couldn't have survived the last five days without you.

We had some amazing packages arrive yesterday. 

My In Loves showed up with delicious food, flowers and cake. The cake was actually from the same place that our wedding cake was made. 

It's a family tradition that these cakes are present for practically every special occasion. And OH MY are they delicious. Thank you both!

My dear friends Eric and Ellie brought us flowers too. They also put together a little care package filled with goodies for us and for Guiness. There were little easter eggs with cute notes like, "we love you", "relax", "everything happens for a reason." There were chocolates, candles and tea. 

My friend Ellie is SO creative and she has her grand opening of her business "Cinderellie's Sweets" on April 9th! She is amazing (and Eric is pretty cool too). Feel free to follow her on facebook! Her creations are not only delicious but gorgeous too!

Here is a picture of the package they put together.

I am also ever so thankful for this little guy too.

He doesn't like the flash of my camera very much.

But he does love my cereal. Mmmm Fruit Loops.

He made sure to get it off my fingers too. XoxoX.

Worst Day Of My Life.

We said goodbye today. 

Goodbye to the idea that we would have an October baby.

Goodbye to sharing happy news with family and friends. 

Goodbye to our first precious child. 

The D&C has been a little more painful than I anticipated. LOTS of cramping and bleeding but I can handle that. I have this amazing man by my side that cares more about me than anything else in this world and I am just SO blessed. I <3 him more than I thought I ever could love someone in this life and I cannot wait till we get to be parents together.

Someday we will be. We are healing now. Emotionally and physically. 

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. 

Devastated.

So. I am devastated. WE are devastated. 

I was hoping that in less than three weeks, I would be sharing with all of you that Rob and I were expecting our first child because 3 days ago, we were. However, after a rough few weeks of ups and downs, the doctor confirmed on Friday that we lost our baby. 

I have been hesitant to share this news with all of you because I just .... ache. I wasn't sure if writing it all down would help or hurt; so I am going to write it all out and if you are reading this - it means I decided to publish my post. 

We found out that we were pregnant on February 3rd. We have been trying since last April to get pregnant, but I needed to lose weight and get my cycles regulated. After 3 periods, we were pregnant! 

I couldn't believe it. We were ecstatic. 

I called my doctor on February 7th (4weeks2days pregnant) to ask a few questions and schedule my first appointment at 8 weeks. I told the nurse I had experienced some light brown/pink spotting and she said that it would be best for me to come in that day just to make sure everything was ok. When I went in, the doctor was ... to put it nicely ... cold. She didn't believe that I was only 4 weeks along because my last period had started over 5 weeks before. She wanted to do an ultrasound.

Shocker: There was NOTHING there. 

The doctor brought me into a tiny room to tell me that I could be experiencing a chemical pregnancy or even worse, an ectopic pregnancy. They wanted to do bloodwork and keep an eye on me. Over the next two weeks, I had my arm and hand pricked so many times that I felt like a pin cushion. My numbers were going up, but not quite doubling steadily. 

Finally after a week and a half, we got to the point where my numbers were high enough for another ultrasound. They saw an empty sac measuring 4.5 - 5 weeks in size. We were worried - at this point I should be 6 weeks along and most women see a heartbeat at this time, but the doctor said there was no reason to worry yet and let's just see what happens. We should come back in 3 weeks for our next ultrasound to see what happens.

We were so hopeful. My symptoms progressed with morning sickness, sore boobs, bloating, etc. I was really thinking that we had a miracle baby on our hands. 

Unfortunately. I was wrong. 

At 8 weeks 6 days pregnant, we went to the doctor for our next ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown to a 6 - 7 week sized sac, but nothing had ever grown inside. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole. No baby. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum. 

We are devastated. We are angry. We are scared. 

I go in tomorrow morning for a D&C because after over 3 weeks of no growth in the sac, the doctors are concerned that it is not coming out naturally. They don't want me to get an infection and have more serious risks than a D&C would impose. So. We go in tomorrow morning. 

This has been the hardest decision Rob and I have ever had to make together. I love my husband more today than I did a week ago. Which I would have thought to be impossible. He has been so amazing through all the tears and anger and uncontrollable sobbing. Without him, I don't think I could go on with my life. I thank God for him every moment of every day. 

I know that we will be parents. This will one day be a horrible memory that we realize taught us something very important or brought us closer and closer together.  I know that. 

But I still can't stop from crying. I just can't stop. But I will. 

Thank you for listening.