Devastated.

So. I am devastated. WE are devastated. 

I was hoping that in less than three weeks, I would be sharing with all of you that Rob and I were expecting our first child because 3 days ago, we were. However, after a rough few weeks of ups and downs, the doctor confirmed on Friday that we lost our baby. 

I have been hesitant to share this news with all of you because I just .... ache. I wasn't sure if writing it all down would help or hurt; so I am going to write it all out and if you are reading this - it means I decided to publish my post. 

We found out that we were pregnant on February 3rd. We have been trying since last April to get pregnant, but I needed to lose weight and get my cycles regulated. After 3 periods, we were pregnant! 

I couldn't believe it. We were ecstatic. 

I called my doctor on February 7th (4weeks2days pregnant) to ask a few questions and schedule my first appointment at 8 weeks. I told the nurse I had experienced some light brown/pink spotting and she said that it would be best for me to come in that day just to make sure everything was ok. When I went in, the doctor was ... to put it nicely ... cold. She didn't believe that I was only 4 weeks along because my last period had started over 5 weeks before. She wanted to do an ultrasound.

Shocker: There was NOTHING there. 

The doctor brought me into a tiny room to tell me that I could be experiencing a chemical pregnancy or even worse, an ectopic pregnancy. They wanted to do bloodwork and keep an eye on me. Over the next two weeks, I had my arm and hand pricked so many times that I felt like a pin cushion. My numbers were going up, but not quite doubling steadily. 

Finally after a week and a half, we got to the point where my numbers were high enough for another ultrasound. They saw an empty sac measuring 4.5 - 5 weeks in size. We were worried - at this point I should be 6 weeks along and most women see a heartbeat at this time, but the doctor said there was no reason to worry yet and let's just see what happens. We should come back in 3 weeks for our next ultrasound to see what happens.

We were so hopeful. My symptoms progressed with morning sickness, sore boobs, bloating, etc. I was really thinking that we had a miracle baby on our hands. 

Unfortunately. I was wrong. 

At 8 weeks 6 days pregnant, we went to the doctor for our next ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown to a 6 - 7 week sized sac, but nothing had ever grown inside. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole. No baby. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum. 

We are devastated. We are angry. We are scared. 

I go in tomorrow morning for a D&C because after over 3 weeks of no growth in the sac, the doctors are concerned that it is not coming out naturally. They don't want me to get an infection and have more serious risks than a D&C would impose. So. We go in tomorrow morning. 

This has been the hardest decision Rob and I have ever had to make together. I love my husband more today than I did a week ago. Which I would have thought to be impossible. He has been so amazing through all the tears and anger and uncontrollable sobbing. Without him, I don't think I could go on with my life. I thank God for him every moment of every day. 

I know that we will be parents. This will one day be a horrible memory that we realize taught us something very important or brought us closer and closer together.  I know that. 

But I still can't stop from crying. I just can't stop. But I will. 

Thank you for listening.