Re-Entry Into the World

So. Today I went back to work 

(if you don't count the 1 day I went last week before the clotting and Cytotec)

I feel good that I am back into the groove of things, but at the same time, I feel like it's all so pointless. I don't have Maveric in my belly and so what else matters? I know that this is the grief talking and that things will get better, but I am just feeling so lost still. 

Originally, I wanted to wait till I had lost another 25 pounds to try again, but after thinking more and more about it, and Rob and I talking about it more and more; we decided that we would wait the two cycles and make the decision then. 

I just have these fears that if we wait too long,  and this keeps happening (dear God no) that we will miss out on our take*home baby. I understand this may be totally irrational, but I don't want to wait 6 months. I want to do my very best to lose weight and my very best to be a Mom. 

I am hoping and working towards both.

A-Ok

I had my two week follow up (well 11 days) post D&C and everything finally looks normal. 

It was awful though. I was put into a room waiting for my doctor to come in and all I could hear was pregnant women getting to hear their babies' heartbeats. 

I am happy that there were heartbeats to be heard but I also feel like it was just a slow form of torture. 

But now that I am ok physically, I am ready to truly mourn and move on emotionally. I thank you all for your help while I was recovering.

XoXoX

Naming our Little One

Rob and I have been having a good long talk about what to call our little lost babe. 

During the 6 weeks we had with the baby, Rob and I had started to talk about boy and girl names. I had a feeling that we were having a boy (not sure why - just instinct) and there was one name that we discussed in length. Mostly because Rob thought it would be the 'coolest' name and although it is a nice name, I was not interested in it for my child (at the time). 

We laughed about the name and joked about it and talked about it on several occasions. It was the one name that just keep coming up in discussion. So we have decided to name our first child  .... 

.... drum roll please ....

Maveric. 

I feel so much better now that we have named the baby. No more calling the baby 'it' or 'him' or 'bean' but giving him a REAL name. And when I meet my child in heaven, if I find out I am completely wrong and our child is a girl, she will have the toughest, strongest name possible. 

Daddy and I love you baby Maveric. 

We will miss you and cherish you every day of our life.

Picture Day 30 of 30

A picture of someone you miss

My friend Kelly. She lives in Oregon. 

Sad Face.

Officially done with the 30 Picture Days! Oy!

Another Update

Unfortunately I have had some more complications.

I went back to work today and did pretty well until near the end of the day. I went to the ladies room and passed some more clots (sorry if this is too much information). 

Called my doctor's office and luckily my Dr. was on call (she's awesome). 

I filled her in on everything that has happened since I last spoke with her on Sunday. I had to see a different doctor on Monday who I was NOT impressed with. 

She told me that she thinks that I am almost done passing everything but that I should take cytotec to get rid of any possible remaining clots. Cytotec helps women to clean out the rest of their uterus but causes painful cramping. 

So now I took the cytotec, a painkiller (finally a good one), and an antibiotic. 

Ready. Set. Go. 

Hopefully this will all be over soon. I am still devastated and not sure when that will change, but at least once the bleeding stops, I won't have to be reminded of this tragedy every time I go to the bathroom. 

Picture Day 29 of 30

A picture that can always make you smile

Guiness' First Day with us. 

{it's actually 2 pictures}

He's changed so much since that first day we brought him home.

He had sooooo much hair since they hadn't given him a hair cut and he only weighed about 4 pounds. 

Now he is absolutely gorgeous and he weighs closer to 13 pounds. <3 him.

Picture Day 28 of 30

A picture of something you’re afraid of

Infertility.

{via}

New Trick!

I taught the puppy a new trick today! 

He is SO smart!

Good? News.

So. Just got back from the Doctor's a few hours ago.

Ultrasound looked 'ok' for being 1 week post D&C. 

Doctor said that going back to work should be fine and just to do 'some stuff' this afternoon to see if any more clots will pass. They are hoping it was just the last of any remaining tissue (or pooled blood) that was coming out and I should be fine. 

Dr's Rx was to 'do stuff' this afternoon and hopefully nothing else will come out. 

So I have done 2 loads of laundry, played with puppy (lightly), and done a quick grocery shopping. 

So far so good. 

Picture Day 27 of 30

A picture of yourself and a family member

My Mama, Sister and I

Seriously?!

It is late on Sunday night and I am tired but I wanted to give an update. 

I have to go back to the Doctor's tomorrow. Not back to work as planned, but back to the Doctor's for an ultrasound. 

I passed some HUGE clots tonight and am experiencing some serious cramps. 

The Dr. on call (who is also the doctor who did my D&C) thinks she may not have gotten all the tissue out of my uterus last week. I will either have to have a shot to pass the rest of the tissue or will have to have a second D&C. 

Tears commence.

I just want this to be over. I miss my baby and I want to start healing. We both need to heal. 

I will be sure to let you know what happens after our appointment tomorrow. I pray that I will get good news and be able to move forward and look towards the future.

XoXo.

Picture Day 26 of 30

A picture of something that means a lot to you

The Love of My Life.

<3 you hub*star

Fears.

I am scared.

To think these thoughts.

To give in to these feelings.

To write this post.

The last week has made me think about our future in a totally different way. A little over a week ago we were going to be parents. Our baby was due October 15, 2011 and was going to be present for all of the 2011 Holidays. 

Now all I can do is think about the unknown we will face in these next few months. 

This is my fear: the Unknown.

Will we get pregnant again? Will I lose another baby?

Is there something wrong with me?

I am scared. I know that is part of the healing and recovering so I am trying not to feel guilty about all of these crazy emotions. At the same time, I just can't shake 'em. 

I keep telling myself that God only gives us what we can handle and that I am strong enough to overcome this. 

I will be the mother I am meant to be. I know it's true. In my heart I do. 

I just have to keep reminding my brain. 

Picture Day 25 of 30

A picture of your day

This was actually yesterday, but it still applies. 

I had awful cramps and scarey clots last night. Called the on-call doctor and was told 'not to worry' ... yet. 

I should wait and see what happens. Luckily I haven't had any clots yet today so I am just resting right now waiting until it's time for us to go see my family (yay!). 

In the meantime, here is a picture of my fur*baby.

Picture Day 24 of 30

 A picture of something you wish you could change

I don't think this really requires a picture. I wish I could change that we lost our first child. 

Left The House

I left the house today. For the first time since Monday's surgery. 

I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. 

As soon as I walked in I had a flashback of being there last week.

We were pregnant. 

It was the day before my surgery. 

I ran through the store, practically sobbing.

It seemed like I could not get out of there fast enough. 

Luckily, I did get out of there and am back home on the couch with my puppy. Husband came home for a quick break and to give me a big hug {Thank God for him}. 

I know that I will heal. Physically I am almost there. Emotionally I feel like the wound will never heal ... but I know ... it will. 

Won't it?

I found this quote today that I thought I should share. It is exactly how I feel:

"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why."

Better Days.

I get to see my little sister this weekend. 

Ready for some fun and relief from this 'heavy' week. 

Can't wait.

Grrrr.

Feeling worse today than yesterday.

Cramps, bleeding, achey ... oh my.

Rob had to go back to work today. Sad Face.

Luckily for me, this little buddy won't leave my side.

Called and left a message for my doctor to make sure that getting worse before getting better is 'normal'. Hopefully she offers some 'real' medication instead of just some tylenol every 6 hours. Ouch.

Fingers crossed.

Amazing People.

I wanted to write today about some amazing people in our life that have helped us through these awful days. Saying thank you is just not enough. 

Our parents, our friends, our families. 

We couldn't have survived the last five days without you.

We had some amazing packages arrive yesterday. 

My In Loves showed up with delicious food, flowers and cake. The cake was actually from the same place that our wedding cake was made. 

It's a family tradition that these cakes are present for practically every special occasion. And OH MY are they delicious. Thank you both!

My dear friends Eric and Ellie brought us flowers too. They also put together a little care package filled with goodies for us and for Guiness. There were little easter eggs with cute notes like, "we love you", "relax", "everything happens for a reason." There were chocolates, candles and tea. 

My friend Ellie is SO creative and she has her grand opening of her business "Cinderellie's Sweets" on April 9th! She is amazing (and Eric is pretty cool too). Feel free to follow her on facebook! Her creations are not only delicious but gorgeous too!

Here is a picture of the package they put together.

I am also ever so thankful for this little guy too.

He doesn't like the flash of my camera very much.

But he does love my cereal. Mmmm Fruit Loops.

He made sure to get it off my fingers too. XoxoX.

Worst Day Of My Life.

We said goodbye today. 

Goodbye to the idea that we would have an October baby.

Goodbye to sharing happy news with family and friends. 

Goodbye to our first precious child. 

The D&C has been a little more painful than I anticipated. LOTS of cramping and bleeding but I can handle that. I have this amazing man by my side that cares more about me than anything else in this world and I am just SO blessed. I <3 him more than I thought I ever could love someone in this life and I cannot wait till we get to be parents together.

Someday we will be. We are healing now. Emotionally and physically. 

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. 

Devastated.

So. I am devastated. WE are devastated. 

I was hoping that in less than three weeks, I would be sharing with all of you that Rob and I were expecting our first child because 3 days ago, we were. However, after a rough few weeks of ups and downs, the doctor confirmed on Friday that we lost our baby. 

I have been hesitant to share this news with all of you because I just .... ache. I wasn't sure if writing it all down would help or hurt; so I am going to write it all out and if you are reading this - it means I decided to publish my post. 

We found out that we were pregnant on February 3rd. We have been trying since last April to get pregnant, but I needed to lose weight and get my cycles regulated. After 3 periods, we were pregnant! 

I couldn't believe it. We were ecstatic. 

I called my doctor on February 7th (4weeks2days pregnant) to ask a few questions and schedule my first appointment at 8 weeks. I told the nurse I had experienced some light brown/pink spotting and she said that it would be best for me to come in that day just to make sure everything was ok. When I went in, the doctor was ... to put it nicely ... cold. She didn't believe that I was only 4 weeks along because my last period had started over 5 weeks before. She wanted to do an ultrasound.

Shocker: There was NOTHING there. 

The doctor brought me into a tiny room to tell me that I could be experiencing a chemical pregnancy or even worse, an ectopic pregnancy. They wanted to do bloodwork and keep an eye on me. Over the next two weeks, I had my arm and hand pricked so many times that I felt like a pin cushion. My numbers were going up, but not quite doubling steadily. 

Finally after a week and a half, we got to the point where my numbers were high enough for another ultrasound. They saw an empty sac measuring 4.5 - 5 weeks in size. We were worried - at this point I should be 6 weeks along and most women see a heartbeat at this time, but the doctor said there was no reason to worry yet and let's just see what happens. We should come back in 3 weeks for our next ultrasound to see what happens.

We were so hopeful. My symptoms progressed with morning sickness, sore boobs, bloating, etc. I was really thinking that we had a miracle baby on our hands. 

Unfortunately. I was wrong. 

At 8 weeks 6 days pregnant, we went to the doctor for our next ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown to a 6 - 7 week sized sac, but nothing had ever grown inside. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole. No baby. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum. 

We are devastated. We are angry. We are scared. 

I go in tomorrow morning for a D&C because after over 3 weeks of no growth in the sac, the doctors are concerned that it is not coming out naturally. They don't want me to get an infection and have more serious risks than a D&C would impose. So. We go in tomorrow morning. 

This has been the hardest decision Rob and I have ever had to make together. I love my husband more today than I did a week ago. Which I would have thought to be impossible. He has been so amazing through all the tears and anger and uncontrollable sobbing. Without him, I don't think I could go on with my life. I thank God for him every moment of every day. 

I know that we will be parents. This will one day be a horrible memory that we realize taught us something very important or brought us closer and closer together.  I know that. 

But I still can't stop from crying. I just can't stop. But I will. 

Thank you for listening.

Picture Day 23 of 30

A picture of your favorite book

I <3ed the Harry Potter series. Couldn't put any of them down. 

Dorky. I know.

{via}

Home. Sweet. Home.

I am home. Thank GOODNESS.

I left Wednesday afternoon to fly out of Newark to Little Rock, Arkansas for a business trip. The flight on Wednesday evenings was supposed to leave at 7:00 but instead left at nearly 10 p.m. I was absolutely exhausted and miserable.

Overall the trip was successful but I am just NOT a fan of leaving my husband and puppy for 4 days. I am just so glad to be home safely with the ones I love.  

Picture Day 22 of 30

A picture of something you wish you were better at

Going to the gym. I have been sooo good at the nutrition piece, but so NOT at the gym piece.

{via}

Picture Day 21 of 30

A picture of something you wish you could forget

I don't think that there is any picture of my life that I wish I could forget. I mean - there are things that I wish had never happened to the world in general, but I feel like that would just be too predictable for me to choose. 

Instead, I am going to skip this question and remind myself that every moment of my life has made me who I am today and forgetting one piece would alter that ... which I would not wish for.

Picture Day 20 of 30

A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

Oh this one is sooooo easy! When we were planning our honeymoon, we wanted somewhere tropical that was nearby. We tried to book the Bahamas but unfortunately were unable to get anything within our price range. Instead we went to beautiful and secluded Anguilla and it was absolutely perfect. 

BUT ...

I still have the itch to go to the Bahamas! 

{via}

Wow.

Picture Day 19 of 30

A picture and a letter

Hmmmm ... this is a hard one. 

How about ... 

A 

for Effort

Husband did the dishes the other night. And decided to create a balancing act on our counter. He literally has them piled on top of each other and leaning on our Keurig machine in the corner. 

A for effort honey. A for effort.

Picture Day 18 of 30

A picture of your biggest insecurity

This.

{via}

Too much of it.