Sunday, March 13, 2011

Devastated.

So. I am devastated. WE are devastated. 

I was hoping that in less than three weeks, I would be sharing with all of you that Rob and I were expecting our first child because 3 days ago, we were. However, after a rough few weeks of ups and downs, the doctor confirmed on Friday that we lost our baby. 

I have been hesitant to share this news with all of you because I just .... ache. I wasn't sure if writing it all down would help or hurt; so I am going to write it all out and if you are reading this - it means I decided to publish my post. 

We found out that we were pregnant on February 3rd. We have been trying since last April to get pregnant, but I needed to lose weight and get my cycles regulated. After 3 periods, we were pregnant! 

I couldn't believe it. We were ecstatic. 

I called my doctor on February 7th (4weeks2days pregnant) to ask a few questions and schedule my first appointment at 8 weeks. I told the nurse I had experienced some light brown/pink spotting and she said that it would be best for me to come in that day just to make sure everything was ok. When I went in, the doctor was ... to put it nicely ... cold. She didn't believe that I was only 4 weeks along because my last period had started over 5 weeks before. She wanted to do an ultrasound.

Shocker: There was NOTHING there. 

The doctor brought me into a tiny room to tell me that I could be experiencing a chemical pregnancy or even worse, an ectopic pregnancy. They wanted to do bloodwork and keep an eye on me. Over the next two weeks, I had my arm and hand pricked so many times that I felt like a pin cushion. My numbers were going up, but not quite doubling steadily. 

Finally after a week and a half, we got to the point where my numbers were high enough for another ultrasound. They saw an empty sac measuring 4.5 - 5 weeks in size. We were worried - at this point I should be 6 weeks along and most women see a heartbeat at this time, but the doctor said there was no reason to worry yet and let's just see what happens. We should come back in 3 weeks for our next ultrasound to see what happens.

We were so hopeful. My symptoms progressed with morning sickness, sore boobs, bloating, etc. I was really thinking that we had a miracle baby on our hands. 

Unfortunately. I was wrong. 

At 8 weeks 6 days pregnant, we went to the doctor for our next ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown to a 6 - 7 week sized sac, but nothing had ever grown inside. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole. No baby. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum. 

We are devastated. We are angry. We are scared. 

I go in tomorrow morning for a D&C because after over 3 weeks of no growth in the sac, the doctors are concerned that it is not coming out naturally. They don't want me to get an infection and have more serious risks than a D&C would impose. So. We go in tomorrow morning. 

This has been the hardest decision Rob and I have ever had to make together. I love my husband more today than I did a week ago. Which I would have thought to be impossible. He has been so amazing through all the tears and anger and uncontrollable sobbing. Without him, I don't think I could go on with my life. I thank God for him every moment of every day. 

I know that we will be parents. This will one day be a horrible memory that we realize taught us something very important or brought us closer and closer together.  I know that. 

But I still can't stop from crying. I just can't stop. But I will. 

Thank you for listening.

8 comments:

5th Belle Avenue said...

I love you SO much and am praying SO hard for you and Rob right now. I am hurting alongside you over your loss. God is the ultimate comforter and I am praying He wraps you in SO much peace and comfort right now as you mourn and move forward. I LOVE YOU and I am here for you!!!

Connie B. said...

I know it must be so hard to understand,but God knows you and loves you. He will be a great comfort to you. We will be praying for you and Rob. It was so great to see all you guys today. Family is so important to get through life's trials. Know we love you and want the best for you both.

Roxyroo said...

I am sorry for your loss, when we lost our baby, I found this website a huge support.

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

Rochelle said...

Jill and Rob, it is hard to understand why this has happened. Mark and I went through also. Just know that God has a reason. It will take time to heal. Know that we are thinking of you both! Love to both of you!

Tiffany said...

i found you through LFCA and wanted to say that i am so so sorry for your loss. it is so unfair to lose a child, and i'm sorry that you are experiencing this pain as well. sending you my love...

memories1024 said...

Jillian and Rob - You are right to beleive that one day this horribly sad time will be just a memory and you will be celebrating happy times:-) God has a plan and the good thing that has come of this is that you realized just how powerful your love for one another is and has brought you closer together. Our prayers and thoughts are with you both<3 i love you and pray for your stength throughout this period in time.

Hanen said...

Jill, thanks so much for your beautiful support over at my blog. I'm so sorry we're both going through this - it sounds like you've had the crazy rollercoaster too, of hopeful betas, inconclusive scans, and then a heartbreaking diagnosis. I hope the procedure was okay for you and that you're able to start trying again soon. I went into the hospital today for medical management of it - it is so awful having to make those choices. Sending love & thinking of you guys and your little bean xxxh

Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse said...

I had a very similar experience. You're right, it's devastating. But it's wonderful that you are expecting again. Hugs and best wishes.